People dating rules in 1980 s
"You don't really care about me," "You knew that would upset me," and "I know you don't really mean what you just said," are all examples of provocative mind-reading statements. As they argue, they desperately try to convince each other that they are "right." In order to "prove" that they are right, spouses often cite statistics, books and magazine articles.They will refer to examples of friends and neighbors.
), try to begin speaking by offering a few words of approval. They are pronounced in a self-righteous tone which almost always elicits defensiveness. " The best way to avoid attacking your spouse is to try to frame your comments using "I" statements to express your feelings.Attacks tend to begin with "you" statements, such as "You are? Sarah felt that her husband, Zev, was very stingy about giving monetary gifts to their married children.She felt he was selfish when he insisted that he wanted to keep his money for himself." If your spouse responds, "No," you can ask when (s)he thinks (s)he will be ready to listen to you. Whenever you need to have a serious discussion with anyone, it is always advisable to begin with something positive.While this may postpone your being able to speak, it will improve your chances of being heard when you do finally get the floor. You must be sincere and not use artificial praise as a form of manipulation.But if we are talking about what is right and wrong, we will be much less likely to come to an agreement. They think, "Anyone would feel the way I did." It is so obvious to them that their feelings were "normal" that they see no need to explain to their spouses exactly why they feel the way they do. You will not be able to get what you want from your spouse unless you are able to articulate exactly what your needs are. " These people harbor the wish that their needs will be fulfilled by their spouses knowing without being told.
Instead, they simply recount the disturbing events and let the tale speak for itself. If you do not explain, in the most specific language possible, exactly how you felt, your spouse will not understand what bothered you. You have to tell your spouse not only what bothers you, but also what you would have wanted done differently. Certainly it is very gratifying to have your needs met without even asking.
When all else fails, they will assert that their position is "normal" or that "everyone" thinks and acts the way they do.
Only someone, therefore, who is abnormal would disagree.
Whenever I have brought this up in the past and you opposed it, I felt disappointed in you.
For me, giving to our children is like giving to myself.
Instead of lambasting Zev with unflattering terms, Sarah learned how to express her feelings in a less confrontational manner.